Saturday, December 31, 2016
I've been the person that hid from others' sharing of pain and stuffed down the fear it inspired in me by trying to passive/aggressively tell them to BE MORE POSITIVE. I didn't realize until a mental breakdown that sometimes our bodies intervene in our white knuckle positivity to tell us no. No, this is not okay. No, past trauma will not be overruled by a painfully large smile.
What I thought was that worst of situations--being forced out of that forced happiness, turned out to be the key and hidden tunnel to kindness. Compassion is something I used to white knuckle much of the time too. I would hear something in church about it so I would try to picture those people I most found myself disgusted with and tried to picture how I could be loving about their choices. I just couldn't picture it. I thought if I pray loooonger, maybe it'll come to me. Of course at the time, I didn't realize about the choices they were making that so bothered me had been indoctrinated in that same church setting where truth was quietly trying to keep up its whisper about love. Sometimes the love part can be quieted and hidden by the loud list of rules and what is BAD. So no wonder I couldn't reconcile the two.
The beauty I've learned or discovered that works for me in religion is that point where you hit the wall of conflict with the list of BAD vs the teaching to be kind. Even in a church that bears his name it seems that a crossroad comes up that must be reckoned with whether we will actually give up everything to fully give in to the love he stands for or whether we will hold more tightly to the rules letting his essence fall to the wayside in payment for approval of the masses.
When there is blame around me by people who are scared of those who show pain, I wonder why? Why was I so scared to face the dark, the pain the yang to my yin of happy happy happy? I think it was fear. Fear of compassion being a black hole, from which no hope would emerge. Fear of compassion being something I wouldn't "do right," thereby worsening pain. So like all things that are feared, courage to try despite possible failure is called for. Fear, in all areas of life, shouldn't be the driving force. It shouldn't pick our big life's choices, and it shouldn't pick our love. Giving love can be a reward in itself no matter how it is received, so I challenge myself to keep taking that risk.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
I want to travel and write and be around beautiful things. I want to find a sponsor to fly me to New York fashion week so I can write a piece that came floating into my head as I floated around the kiddie pool at our community center last night. It was around 0 degrees outdoors, gosh I am so glad we have that place.
I want beautiful quilts in my home to have visual joy and inspire writing and thinking and relaxing and creative thought, which all seem to need each other to grow.
This is my year of focusing on HEALTH, so I'll be trying new things to boost that. I started taking Turmeric capsules for inflammation from my lupus (I've noticed a light pain relieving effect), I ordered some lugol iodine and will see if there is anything noticeable from that. I found a massage therapist I like here in our new hometown, so I plan to make that happen more regularly--I've made this week's appointment. I have done 3 or 4 sessions of red light therapy. Again results are light but I think helpful.
Anything I can do to help (and not hurt) this body along seems worth trying. Gosh, I put it through so much having and nursing 4 kids for that 10 years. Since most everybody does it (reproduce) I didn't give much credence to the toll it takes. My body will never be the same, I understand that. But I want to give it every boost that might help the coming years be as enjoyable and contributing to this world as possible.
And not DIE.
Geez, isn't that what we all want?