Thursday, September 26, 2019

the Work

Thanks to Tim Ferris' recommendation, I read The Work pamphlet by Byron Katie yesterday and today.  It was impactful.  Really very much so.  I wish I had had that framework a few years ago.  I sewed a lot this morning, then enjoyed a meditation in the sun where I reflected on ways I push myself towards ego association with sewing output.  I find my soul pushing itself that direction no matter what I do wanting to prove worthiness with whatever output I can produce.  That may be why my sewing practice has narrowed to just clothing for me to wear.  It takes the job description/AMIGOODENOUGH narrative out of it.

I find myself doing that on social media.  I shut down my LinkedIn page because it hasn't yielded any value and pushes me to that "not enough" struggle with job ego.  Just writing is a gift and I give and accept it freely.

I did my morning pages today and hardly felt them, the words just poured out.  I think they were reflections from my reading.  It was nice to get sun today, and time to create.  CB is home sick from school so I don't need to go get him now.  I think I will clean and create the rest of the day.

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Relying on Pain Points

Some inspiration I gathered from a favorite you tuber, Jordan, is to take your pain points or things that are a struggle and turn those around for success.  She started her early married life with debt and loads of money-stress and made frugality and paying it off her mission.  From the looks of things they have more than turned it around, reaching peace and then lofty goals.

I have had my eye out for my life's pain points that could give me a service direction or mission.  Today I meditated on them and came to the problem.  I've hopped onboard other mormon protests like Protect LDS Children and Ordain Women.  In some round about way, I thought women in leadership or doing away with interviews would solve what happened to me, but I just never felt quite in sync or aligned with their cause.  I realized why today, because the pain point, the real problem that caused my PTSD here, is church discipline.  I was fine in all my temple interviews, I was fine without the priesthood, and the women in church wouldn't have helped anymore than the men did.

Bottom line, is my perpetrator going in to confess kicked in the "discipline" protocol that never gets talked about in public, but is a whisper network, a shameful, quiet thing constantly going on in the shadows.  The thing is, right now we are all still in the shadows.  People who have left the church after discipline still don't talk about it--I'm guessing because it is something members will use against them saying they were "offended" and unwilling to take punishment.

I would love to get people talking about their church discipline story.  I know we aren't the only church with discipline methods and plans.  I had a friend (adult woman) tell about how she had to testify of her first sexual encounter in front of a committee in her Jehovah's Witness congregation.  I heard gossip as a kid about adults getting excommunicated from the Catholic church for divorcing, and trying to negotiate annulments as a way of avoiding losing their lifelong membership.

I'm scared to dive into this topic, but I would give anything to get more people informed about it.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

writing for me

After I let the steamy hot water pelt into the soapy sink full of reusable straws, I sat down here to write.  I actually craved it this time.  Starting morning pages (and the occasional artist's date) from the Artist's Way has really taken me on a tour of myself creatively.

I watch a lot of YouTube videos, just lately.  By just lately I mean the medium has been around forever and I discovered it a year ago and want to shout it from the rooftops.  I mean, ignore me though, cause it's like super old and everyone knows about it.  But because of that whatever is my obsession of the week is what I think maybe I should work on.  So I start to question why I don't do video or how or what way I SHOULD do video.

But during today's morning pages I sorted how draining it was to teach primary week after week.  And the reason is being "ON" which is very draining for me.  I am an introvert who gets energized by sewing and reading and writing and dancing.  I have forced myself over a lifetime to be bold socially, to speak out, to teach lessons, and frankly I am tired.

It was never me but it helped me survive.  It helped me feel like I could survive high school and get paid something in a career.  Yes, overall in fear I acted extroverted to win points at church and in a career.  But reaching 40 has me like, I'm tiiiiiiiiiired.  I don't have an acting career.  I'm not being paid to be someone I am not. 

So I am sinking in to the luxury of being me, and tuning in to my own energy.  I did a fitness marshall video this morning to get my dance on, and I plan on doing two more.  And here I write.

FOR ME.  Thank you Bobi, it feels good.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Laundry Luxury

When I was newly married, I would write letters and cards to my grandma a lot.  I don't know where I got that idea as a selfish young adult, but I think mostly from church.  It was an approved Sunday activity and it breeded connection.  Also I remember having goals like that with my personal progress so it got me used to writing and mailing cards and letters.

As I was pouring in soap for the laundry this morning, I thought about the time I only had a washer and hung my stuff out to dry on our student housing balcony.  And before that it was carrying it to the laundry center for the student housing, using up quarters and sitting on the dusty floor waiting for the dryer that was never really finished.

When we made the big purchase of a washing machine at Sears it was a big day.   I think we did it because I got pregnant?  I know it was around that time.  Being pregnant was also the reason we moved out of those drafty cinder block walls and into a "real" 2 bedroom apartment downtown.  Which prompted a dryer purchase since it had hook ups.

Every step of my "laundry journey"I wrote up in one of the cards to my grandma.  She was dutiful about writing back and I got little snippets of stories about when they started homesteading and she washed the clothes, including cloth diapers in an irrigation ditch.  Those ditches were always brown as I remember, so there had to be discouragement in washing in dirty water.

I felt so tied to her as we told our stories back and forth.  I  miss her today and I am so thankful that whatever sense of duty it was that had us writing back and forth happened.  It was hard to get stories out of her, honestly.  She had a stoicism from a hard life and the tranquilizing medicine she took daily  when we saw each other at her home.

Back to here, I am in my clean home with my city water plumbed in, loving the luxury of washing my family's clothes.  Cleanliness is one of my obsessive focuses and being able to rest in the way I have things is great.  I hope my grandma in the 1940's can see the appreciation for her suffering that I have now.  Bless her.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

The Colors of Wyoming

As I glance away from my writing at the hilltop behind my house, I see the wheat colored grasses sitting still under the warm gaze of the sun.  There are slivers of green throughout the dry desert foilage and I feel deep in my soul the love I have of Wyoming landscape.

I thought I'd share some houzz decorating inspiration related to that color theme for your eyes' relaxation today.

Tell me about what color pathways light you up!  I noticed that some of these pictures are from Miami and I always think of stark white against turquoise waters and that is another aesthetic that thrills me.

I look forward to reading about yours!

Home editors

As part of the job home-making, sometimes things need cleared out and paired down.  So I'd like to add the job duties of HOME EDITING.  It's important to the feeling of function as a household and PEACE.

Sometimes the best way to bless my home of a morning, is to spray down a sink and mirror in a bathroom and make the fixtures shine with a little microfiber mit.  I make my own out of the microfiber (raw unhemmed) rags located in the automotive department at walmart.

The spray I use is Method.  I love their scents--especially citrusy ones.  When I spray some of that all purpose cleaner and wipe it up to make the bathroom shine and smell good, I feel I have been a blessing upon that area.  However, sometimes there are altogether BIG steps in adding order to our family home.

Yesterday I dropped a load of old hangers and a few unworkable designs and kid outgrown clothes off at the local thrift shop.  I haven't written about it lately but at stages it has been a huge part of my role in the keeping of our home. 

I give away stuff.  If it doesn't fit or isn't liked or won't support us in some kind of move we need (like out of a house across states for law school) we give it away.  We have had big yard sales when we have high ticket or large type items.  So we've made back a little on it.  But then I discovered "It's Deductible" software to go along with our taxes.  As long as I logged and noted each item in that system I could often save us $500 or more on taxes.

Now that last year the standard deduction more than doubled, I still tried to add it all up, but it came nowhere near the standard, so I've stopped keeping track of what I donate.  If your tax deductions are around that standard amount when itemizing, it's worth tracking, though!

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Sewing recap

Putting away the clean laundry seems to be the dullest part of the job.  Gathering together the dirty stuff and getting it set up in front of the washer and then starting that first load?  It's so full of hope.  But today I've got a bunch of clean stuff that's got to get moving into bedrooms because there is a full hamper of dirty stuff to come through the hatch.

I haven't started a youtube channel or gotten a job, but yesterday felt really hopeful probably just because I wrote.  I felt stronger about getting a master's degree and I felt hope about that and my sewing.  I ordered a bunch of sale patterns, and in the coming months I'll buy fabric to go with it.  I'm trying to stretch it out so I don't waste so much family money. 

The truth is, I have spent so much on all the fabric it has taken me to fix and perfect the designs I've dreamed of.  Maybe I'll waste less now that I am more tuned into what styles and sizes work for me.  I know it takes risks and jumping in to learn things, and that has been true with learning my coverstitch machine as well as putting together knit garments quickly with a serger.  I love the way the serged seam stretches.  I tried making a yellow poly cardigan with zig zag on the regular machine and the seams look less professional.

I've been topstitching less on my personal design tees, but I think I might go back to that.  I'm wearing a navy with white polka dots one today and the coverstitching looks really nice.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Purpose and Insignificant lives

This morning I was doing my routine of dishes while listening to a podcast.  I used the dishwasher, but also need to handwash a bunch of silicone and stainless steel straws.  It happened to be Tim Ferriss interviewing Ken Burns, the filmaker.  First of all, its an excellent listen.  My heart is bursting with new ideas.

But something that has been tumbling around in my brain space the last few days is purpose.  I'm a little lost having been out of the workforce for 17! years now and not having much luck with my applications now that I'm trying to weasel my way back in.  My kids are in school, and they keep me plenty busy before and after as well as cleaning and prepping for them when they are gone.  I also have writing that calls to me as well as sewing design.

I'm not not busy. But I am craving $pay and stability and the rewards of work well done.  I'd like to save for retirement and feel more secure and feel like I contribute and support my kids in that way.  I'm praying and looking for guidance in what I should be doing.  I feel like my options are to work near minimum wage to get actual experience in this decade for my resume and someone that can be called for references.

So today as I was listening (and processing the interviews I've been reading) I realized the bulk of what I consume is about big significant players.  Like a filmaker whose work has been watched by the hundreds of millions.  That's influence!  I want to make a difference too!  That is on my mind a lot, how my small time on earth can influence for good.  Do you every ponder/worry/consider that?

Today, my question for myself is what will you do with your insignificant life?  What will that look like?

Monday, September 16, 2019

telling THAT story

With the feeling that I have a book inside me I keep debating how I should tell THAT story.  When I write about it mostly I see the physical image of the dated stained wood paneling in that professor office the bishops used on Sundays.  I wrote a poem of that image comparing, but mostly contrasting it with the rough unfinished wood of the table Casey made me.

I shiver when I think of that place.  What is so fearsome about it is the way he made me turn against what I felt from god (unconditional love).  What cemented that place in my psyche is that my credits, my grades, and my comfort in the school that had been my goal for years were threatened.  He threatened to get me kicked out of school because I was not sorry for my sexual assault.

I guess I am a bratty girl, claiming no part.  Maybe it was the times in which I was raised which made me know to say NO, to say it three times, and to not hold myself physically accountable after that.  Now...though, now none of it makes sense.  Even if it hadn't been an assault, even if I had chosen to push the limits making out with my boyfriend, how is that cancelling a whole year of higher education achievements worthy?

I feel like that mental brain switching was an assault of its own.  Because of him I never spoke of it.  I was supposed to pretend it never happened as some kind of condition of my repentance.  Well, Brother Young, when "forgiving" me, or telling me to throw the letter away made it sound like I should consider it never happening.  That would have been right if that could have made it go away.  If that could have healed the pain. 

But I feel like now I had SO much to process at that time.  And ignoring it for 20 years compounded my physical and mental reactions from the suppressed anguish.   God, I am glad I have been treated for these 5 years and that I live in a time with the professionals that can make that happen.  But I know I have been reminded of this pain point to help fix it in the system and I am praying for understanding of how I can do that.

Daily Laundry

I need to write more so I am sitting down to it with my little cheap laptop.  I write my morning pages by hand in my junk journal, but with writing--I need more.

I've given myself over fully to sewing the past few months, to the point of being called on it because I was so checked out.  I'm doing a little better focusing on each aspect of my job as a mother and giving it an hour or two each day, not the whole of the day.

My serger is giving me fits, so its hard not to just dive into diagnosing it with my mental energy going to watching youtube videos about it and then trying things.  I just walked away, and vacuumed the couch, wiped down it's microfiber, and mopped most of the floors.  When it comes to my work I like to take a deep dive.  And I think most people do.  Homemaking makes it very difficult to work that way, though.  There's one shift of the morning waking, grooming (for every one of them, and me!) and eating and dressing and getting to all of the places.

When I am settled back in here, alone, to bless what I can in this space I usually start with something mindless, which dishes has become.  Laundry switching is too.  I've become an everyday laundry person, now that my laundry is by my kitchen.  Its an extension of the constant loading and unloading of the that once I get that going, I pivot over to what state the laundry is in.  We don't ever have piled up dirty laundry with my system so it has its perks.

A house full of teens and pre-that, as well as a man, don't take time to think no piled up laundry is any kind of gift, but maybe they'll see it somewhere else.