Monday, June 18, 2018

Good morning.  Today I had to push and force    to go to yoga.  I'm grumpy.  That's all there is to it.  I'm trying to recover from emotional whiplash of so many changes for my friends, and maybe its frustrations of the whole family being together in the house 24/7.  Casey is taking the girls to omaha next week and at first i was mad and super jealous but i'm to the point i'm excited for them all to go, just to have less people and a little quiet.  They are going to have so much fun and I have jealousy that casey gets to be the fun parent while i am here keeping the house clean. But whatever.  I'm not a fun parent.  I just want to be by myself once in awhile.  I feel like I am the stable parent which means nothing to a teenager.  Lane wet my bed last night.  It is so frustrating.  Both that he keeps wetting the bed and that he keeps sleeping with us all night.  My grumpiness I generally blame on Casey but perhaps this isn't accurate.  I'm mad at his parents.  I resent them whenever he's grumpy or sleeps in too long or stays up too late or barks at us all.  It reminds me just of how unwarm and barky his mother is, and of course then I wonder if I did the right thing marrying into that.  But if I look at it as a balance scale he gives us a lot.  Financially he provides.  And he builds things, and buys things the kids are excited about.  But damn, there is 0 romance in my life.  And if I do something heartfelt for him (like the father's day poster yesterday) he grunts at it, refuses to say thank you or even look me in the eye.   He can see what this stuborness did to his brother's marriage but he refuses to try anyway.  Maybe its because he wants our marriage over because my breasts aren't the shape he wants right now.  He complains about my body, won't look at it, told me I was "lucky" he would still have sex with me.  As far as a relationship with he and I, there isn't one at all.  I take care of the house and kids for the unspoken contract that he pays the bills and gives me grocery money.  And that's it.  He stays up late with Shae to watch TV every night but doesn't care to watch anything with me.  He doesn't touch me or ever want a hug.  The hugs I have given him in the past month are me holding him with his hands loose to his sides.  If we ever fight he basically says he can't be held accountable for anything because of the emotional relationship i had online.  It's been 4 years I think since I have had any contact at all with that person.  He knew when it ended.  But he holds it like a precious thing he can obsess over.  I'm pretty sure he reads the things he spied on over and over and hasn't deleted them.  So I have forgotten what they said but he never will.  I don't understand it.  He gets all excited to talk to or know the news of any person in the ward or neighborhood he thinks is pretty.  Like Sarah Lym, he used to go talk to her (without me) at all times of day when he was out of school and studying for the bar exam.  I feel like he does that now, and when he is in Omaha he goes and builds stuff for female coworker alone at her home.  He has no expectations or standards for himself and no expectation of loyalty to me.  Just me to him.  And now he is taking our girls to her house for a week.  Nice.  I'm in for the next 10 years, but a relationship it is not. It's weird we're here watching the neighbors fight through for our marriage with no love in our house.  I dont want to go to cody anymore.