the (dangerous) power of discernment

It's a power alright, but it corrupts just like others.  When a mormon leader is called he is told he has certain powers and a bishop is told to rely on the power of discernment.  I think this is a weakness of the calling and not a strength.   Why?  Because it erodes humility and self reflection.  If you think your warm fuzzies, or first instinct thoughts are gospel and endorsed by god you might not wrestle with them or look for alternative viewpoints.  This creates a blindspot and a block against further light coming to rest in the cracks of your questions.

I rested on this perspective this morning kind of out of nowhere, but probably in a quest of my subconconsious' to make sense of how many bishops get it wrong when listening to confession or stories of abuse and then go on to blame the victim.  The bishop who "sentenced" me after finding out about my assault chose to punish because I didn't seem sorry enough.  I'm guessing he thought my lack of remorse would drive a wedge between me and god.  That turned out to be the most traumatic step.  He told me weekly how I couldn't feel God's love and that I was blocked from the spirit and this punishment he was dishing out (not being able to take sacrament, say public prayers, teach lessons, visit and commune with other women) was to break my block between me and god.  He said I would know when the punishment was finished because I could feel the spirit again.

But when I prayed there was no confirmation of a need to repent.  I would cry and believe there was a block around god, but I would feel warmth every step of the way and I started to block that feeling myself.  I started to not believe the witness I had had at age 12 of god's love,  It was a warm and powerful witness and weekly private meetings with the bishop brainwashed me into the belief that it couldn't be real and that it wasn't really there.

The rest of my faith life I have never felt god's love.  Maybe I don't allow myself to feel it but after 20 years I no longer believed it ever existed.  This last couple weeks I have allowed myself just the desire to feel that again and it is excruciatingly painful.  As a child I was taught I could always turn to that and it would protect me and comfort me.  And the time I was taught to not believe it was one of the most painful.  I had no idea that bishop was step by step cutting off the source of comfort and love.  I feel so much unconditional love towards others and the other spirits and the universe now and I think that is probably closer to the truth, and feels like truth, but the wedge that bishop created is still there.

His name is George Gorton.  He is an old man now probably, but I wish somehow other bishops like him, that came after him could be converted into questioning their bias and assumptions because the spiritual damage from church discipline is horribly abusive.  I want my spirit back.  The assault didn't take it from me, I felt god's love right after and protection.  But shunning from a community coupled with steady teachings from someone who believed he had spiritual authority over me, did.

I want my love from God to come back.  I will keep you posted if it ever does.