Sunday, May 27, 2012

Just Be

I've had an anxiety-ridden day.  As much as I try to ignore the stressors as they happen in my life, my body doesn't forget.

I laid in bed last night battling my panic attack, trying to just breathe when I realized what I had experienced that day...and it was stressful.  My body/brain would not let me ignore it.  We are doing about 20 home projects at once.  That isn't necessarily the stressful part.  Almost all of them I am excited about.  What took me off the rails was getting the call that our house in Texas had water leak/flooding issues.  It took lots of phone calls for my husband to finally get to the knowledge that our renter had installed their washing machine wrong.  So, its their fault, and therefore their expense?  I'm hoping, I really have no idea how this will turn out.  Frankly, I'm sad that our little house, our very first house we had built is all messy and damaged. And there is not really a dang thing I myself can do about it.  Except worry!

But guess where my mind goes:  the house is going to foreclose.  It's going to fall apart.  It's going to require repairs we can't afford, then we won't be able to pay our bills, etc, etc.  Or its going to look or be so damaged it will never sell.  I realize this is all pretty irrational thinking, but it seemed like over the last year worse things happened than I could have anticipated.  So my brain somehow interprets that I should try to predict every bad thing, and somehow that will prevent it?  The truth is we couldn't get it to sell anyway...thus the reason we have said renters.  But in the end, that's not a bad gig.  We are lucky we are able to pay that mortgage every month, by way of the renters.  It just isn't what I wanted (which is why we tried to sell).

What I Wanted vs. Reality being so starkly different in this situation is what makes it tenuous for my mental health.  It turns out, according to my current doctor, I have OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Yes, the disease everyone makes jokes about.  Only, I guess, for me it is real?  I'm still not 100% convinced, but the more I read up on it on the internet...well I can see why the Dr. is looking that direction.  What he kept telling me in my last appointment is that CONTROL is the keyword of my disorder.  I kept using that word as I related what was wrong with my life, to him, trying to explain that if only I had control of this or that things would be different and better.

What he was trying to say is that the fact that I was so obsessed with control over those things is what was causing me problems and actually called for the OCD diagnosis and the medical treatment I am receiving.  Hmmm...eye opening!  I've been noticing it in my life in the days since my last appointment, and it actually has me excited for a more relaxed and happy state of being, once I am being successfully treated.  To be honest, the struggles I related to the Dr. I thought everyone experienced and felt.  I didn't know others weren't actually plagued with stuff like this.  Wow.  Mental illness is interesting.


  1. I'm not second guessing your doctor, just relating a similar experience.

    My mom grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home and it left her with major co-dependency issues. Everyone want other people to think well of them, but her life revolved around making everyone else happy, even when it didn't make her happy. The co-dependency just got worse and kept showing itself in the form of a need for control. She needed to control everything, in order to have control over what people thought about her.

    She has made a ton of progress (with some relapses of course) by using a 12 step addiction recovery program(the one put out by the church, but it is basically the same as all the rest). The same thoughts and feeling that lead an someone down the path of drug or alcohol addiction can also lead to a "control addiction".

    Just a thought. You are not alone. I think everyone deals with these issues. We are all just at different points along the spectrum.

  2. Thanks, Amanda, I really appreciate having someone weigh in with their perspective.

    I'm still not 100% sold on this diagnosis, but I've decided to give it a year of his treatment plan to see how it goes. I guess I'm not 100% sold on it because I don't think he knows me or has assessed the issues at hand in enough depth to really know. Also, I'm not loving the medicine I'm on and he's thinking my desire to change that is my "control issues" talking again...I don't know.


Thanks for your comments~!