Meditating to Feel

I'm not sure if the title will fit the whole post, but I am determined to write today.  And I think I came the closest to knowing what to write about when I sat down to (force myself) meditate.

I've had a couple of lupus pain days--which is okay, they are on the heels of my first "felt normal the entire day" episode.  But today in pain day #2 I kept reminding myself that at times like this meditation is good for me.

I set my phone timer for 15 minutes and sat down on the carpet facing the sun.

And the pain came.  No, the pain was already there.  The pain was felt.  Not the muscles or the joints, but my heart.  The pain I try to hide from.  Yes, even though I know better I try to distract and hide from feeling my feelings.  But then I meditate and feel them :).

It was good because I had a cleansing cry, which I think had been hovering near the surface all morning.  Life's little hurts came bubbling up and I was able to weep for some loss, some frustration, and also to feel the light and the growth in the pain.  The best way to get over something is to actually wade *through* it--instead of avoidance.  So I'm grateful for today's pain.  My feelings feel felt.