Overcoming a Fear of Writing

After reading a book about "life quests" this week I came up with a couple I'd like to try.  One of them is to write 100 essays.  I don't have a timeline really, but I'd like to stick a number on it.  My overall hope is to better my writing skills and have an enjoyable mental outlet--which I find writing to be.

Now why would I need a set number or even to call it a quest?  Fear, baby.  I have a fear of sinking myself into creative heart-pulling tasks.  I don't want to go all in.  For two reasons:  1.  10 years of baby care PTSD.  It was such a hard adjustment for me to no longer be able to call the shots on what I did and how long I did it in my early years of motherhood.  I was used to my adult working world where I had the hours to fill with the tasks I deemed necessary to my department and business.  Adjusting to being a very hand-on attachment mom, which I wanted to be, was a study in adaptation for sure.  I learned to drop everything for a hungry baby needing nursed, and I did it with joy!  Eventually.

But now, with my youngest four, and honestly enough *time* to write why do I fear a creative pursuit?  Well, like I said with my first point I don't think my brain has adapted back to not having to drop everything at a moment's notice.  And maybe it shouldn't.  I do still get those sick calls from the school.

But #2 fear is giving my heart.  Writing is very revealing.  It is open and helps me see myself in new way. Being vulnerable, while I know is rewarding, is fear-inducing for me for this reason.  I am sitting here writing this post--making myself write this post, because I want to conquer that fear.  I am a writer, I can declare myself to be and I am going to have the courage to give it a shot.

I have 60 essay ideas so far, and need about as many more so please!  If you have any writing subject ideas share them with me!  Obviously I need the practice :)!

Bright Flowers

This anniversary yielded the most bright, beautiful bouquet of flowers.

Both Casey and I had a happy weekend.  We love each other more as the years go by.

Perfect Ponytail

I saw this as the title of a pin on pinterest and remembered this picture I wanted to share.

Keep in mind, when I say "perfect" I am only slightly biased ;).  This picture contains my genetic material as well as my hair dyeing hobby.   And my daughter's own styling skills.

The color used is Manic Panic's InfraRed.   It is semi-permanent and doesn't damage the hair at all.  I've been surprised how long it has stayed in through several shampoos.

Got my teeth did!

Hair Inspiration--Betty Who

Since I am back at my natural hair color (mingling with blue) it's about that time where I feel like a major style and color change :).

My latest hair inspiration is Betty Who.  Check out why:

Maybe with a little pink thrown in.

I miss pink.

About Books

Brownie Cookies

My daughter and I tried a very similar recipe a couple of weeks ago.  Well, the picture looked similar but the ingredients were different.  We had the courage to try again today and developed a recipe that is exactly what we were going for!

Crackly brownie edge type cookies with a fudgey bite.  We're a little proud if you can't tell.

We fixed some of the things that went wrong and better than that?  They are chocolaty-er.  You're welcome.

My favorite part is the texture.  Regular white or wheat flour can be substituted, although we used our gluten free blend from Costco and everyone enjoyed it.

Crackle Brownie Cookies

Microwave together to melt:

     1 cube butter + 2 C chocolate chips

Whip in a mixer:

     3 eggs + 1 C sugar + 2T cocoa

Slowly pour the melted chocolate mixture into the bowl with the egg mixture as it is spinning.  When it is fully incorporated add:

1 t vanilla

1/2 t salt

1/2 t baking soda

When those are mixed add 3/4 C flour and stop the mixer quickly after a few stirs.

Here's the most important part.  Grease your cookie sheets!  Yep, nonstick spray is the best, but this is a MUST for this recipe and part of what made it flop the first time.

Then drop spoonfuls of batter (it'll be thinner than a normal cookie dough) onto the greased cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for 11 minutes.  Let me know if you try them.  We are in love!

Everything I Needed to Know About Handling Haters I learned on Pinterest

Yesterday I lost a pinterest follower.  Today I got a new one.

The last time this happened I had repinned a joke with swear words.  It may have been offensive.  Oh, scratch that.  Considering what I find funny I'm SURE it was.

When something negative goes down on Facebook I get all kinds of upset about it.  Did I lose them forever?   Will I be shunned from all the people who are our virtual mutual friends?  I'm socially anxious as it is and having very limited contact with the outside world magnifies it.  I think THIS IS IT!  Without the Internet I'll have NO ONE!

This nullifies the fact that I know a few folks in real life and some of them love me.  I should have a grip on this.  I know.  But I'm anxiety girl,  after all.

But here's where pinterest has helped.  I lost almost 20 followers one weekend.  How did I notice?  I can't even remember but it freaked me out.  And it freed me to post even more of what matters *to me*.  Cause hey, if I'm not for them there's an easy way out.  And it goes both ways.  I've unfollowed every pinboard that offends my heart (mostly diet ones or thinspiration).

What happens when you let those who aren't into you go easily?   You have more mental resources to connect with those that are.  I set a goal to more than make up for those I lost.  800 is what I was shooting for.  And to get more I sought after and pinned things I was absolutely in love with and made my heart jump.

In a couple weeks I was up to 800 and now 845.  The 45 are just a bonus.   It was 845 yesterday and then 844 this morning.   So you know what that means....but I pumped myself up again that it was the opportunity to further hone my "brand" and whadaya know?  845 tonight.  The less the focus is on people I can't please the closer I'll get to the lovers.  So haters are the fast track to goal reaching!

Now to apply this to every other social media!   :)

Little Guy Nurturing

He holds my head when I am tired and rocks it back and forth.

"Rock a Bye mom" it's called.

He pats my wide face and tells me that my cheeks are growing.  And he's "SO PROUD."

This love makes me feel like a lucky mom.

Only two more weeks of this round of steroids. 

Counting down....