Monday, October 13, 2014
Speed Bumps on the road to finding yourself
I tried two possible titles in my head while thinking of this post. One was 'Detours' on the path to finding yourself. But in my pollyanish, hope for magic-type thinking I decided that there are no detours, or coincidences, just lessons on the way. I will not count experiences or time during my life wasted. I will search out what I learned. So there are speedbumps, but the path is all a true one.
Call it a mid-life crisis (although I don't plan to die at 70) but a lot of brain, heart, and spiritual changes started for me in my mid 30's. Now that I've been knee deep in it for a few years, I have climbed out a bit to view the changes and make some observations. One of the things I learned at the beginning of that journey is the vulnerability to addiction or numbing that we have when we try to avoid pain. And change is painful. Or at least I was afraid it would be so I quickly sought out friends, experiences, and distractions in as large a measure as I could find to drown out the quiet urges of change and the beautiful stretching that was needed.
At the time I thought this *was* the change: having new friends and exploring new topics. Over the course of time as the newness wore off and life happened I realized the patterns I was repeating and the running I was doing in all those distractions. Mercifully (and a little painfully) I am back at the same point on the outside looking in at those distractions, while missing them, also starkly facing the work on myself that is still here a year later.
It's painful but a cleansing sort of pain. A courageous pain that says I am strong enough to grow, I am of enough worth to go through painful change, and I have potential to create value for the world around me. This is what I want to believe, although I get discouraged.
I'm reading. A LOT of reading. And I've been mocked about my "book of the week" as admittedly many are of the self-help variety. But while I don't subscribe to any one "Secret" or magical change antidote the multiple messages are coming together in my categorical mind and I'm vetting out the nuggets that my soul needs. I *needed* to grow, I love (although fear) growing and I look forward to having peace about what good that enables my heart to do.