Speed Bumps on the road to finding yourself

I tried two possible titles in my head while thinking of this post.  One was 'Detours' on the path to finding yourself.  But in my pollyanish, hope for magic-type thinking I decided that there are no detours, or coincidences, just lessons on the way.  I will not count experiences or time during my life wasted.  I will search out what I learned.  So there are speedbumps, but the path is all a true one.

Call it a mid-life crisis (although I don't plan to die at 70) but a lot of brain, heart, and spiritual changes started for me in my mid 30's.  Now that I've been knee deep in it for a few years, I have climbed out a bit to view the changes and make some observations.  One of the things I learned at the beginning of that journey is the vulnerability to addiction or numbing that we have when we try to avoid pain.  And change is painful.  Or at least I was afraid it would be so I quickly sought out friends, experiences, and distractions in as large a measure as I could find to drown out the quiet urges of change and the beautiful stretching that was needed.

At the time I thought this *was* the change:  having new friends and exploring new topics.  Over the course of time as the newness wore off and life happened I realized the patterns I was repeating and the running I was doing in all those distractions.  Mercifully (and a little painfully) I am back at the same point on the outside looking in at those distractions, while missing them, also starkly facing the work on myself that is still here a year later.

It's painful but a cleansing sort of pain.  A courageous pain that says I am strong enough to grow, I am of enough worth to go through painful change, and I have potential to create value for the world around me.  This is what I want to believe, although I get discouraged.

I'm reading.  A LOT of reading.  And I've been mocked about my "book of the week" as admittedly many are of the self-help variety.  But while I don't subscribe to any one "Secret" or magical change antidote the multiple messages are coming together in my categorical mind and I'm vetting out the nuggets that my soul needs.  I *needed* to grow, I love (although fear) growing and I look forward to having peace about what good that enables my heart to do.