|This is probably what my brain looks like if the dyes all seeped in over the year|
It was a just a typical day at work and part of why I loved working in long term care. Elderly patients were the majority but this particular man was only in young adulthood. He had sustained a traumatic brain injury and required care in order to live daily life. His spirit was still so young. His outbursts typical of a bar fight in someone his age and his jokes as witty as they come.
I loved those patients. I loved the employees making their life better too. Every day was rewarding, even the most painful. I woke up remembering that world today. Mostly as I struggled to practice compassion for myself. I'm in several weeks on the Medrol steroid (after a week of prednisone) and besides the side effect emotions, I'm noticing a different change. I'm remembering who I was and wondering if I had had brain inflammation as part of my lupus effects. I shut out friends that I care about, I was quick to anger, and I made impulsive choices that now and a few years ago would have seemed completely out of character.
So today I am feeling pain at pain I inflicted in others and a desire for restitution. Oh, how I want to be better, and I hope those who know me will find mercy in their hearts to forgive me over time. If you are one that I hurt I am so sorry.
I'm also scared since I don't know how the disease will develop, what treatments will do, etc., but I do know that I LOVE other people, I desire connections with them, and I want them to be happy. I will try to continue to remember this. And if you catch me out in the hall with my pants down yelling obscenities, please borrow a moment's grace and know that deep down I love you and deep down I want a happy life for all of us. This is the wish of my heart