Oh you crazy brain

There was a man down the hall shouting a string of obscenities and his voice was getting louder.  Grateful I leave my office door open to notice such thing, I jetted out in time to add some extra manpower for the frazzled nurse.  It appeared that she was about to get punched or worse so I was in a hurry to help diffuse the situation.  She being more skilled and more experienced with his outbursts knew just what to say to distract the moments' emotion and together we helped him put his pants and his dignity back in place.  With a support belt around his waist they ventured on to a walk around the facility and I returned to my office with a smile on my face at the quickness we had him back to joviality.

This is probably what my brain looks like if the dyes all seeped in over the year

It was a just a typical day at work and part of why I loved working in long term care.  Elderly patients were the majority but this particular man was only in young adulthood.  He had sustained a traumatic brain injury and required care in order to live daily life.  His spirit was still so young.  His outbursts typical of a bar fight in someone his age and his jokes as witty as they come.

I loved those patients.  I loved the employees making their life better too.  Every day was rewarding, even the most painful.  I woke up remembering that world today.  Mostly as I struggled to practice compassion for myself.  I'm in several weeks on the Medrol steroid (after a week of prednisone) and besides the side effect emotions, I'm noticing a different change.  I'm remembering who I was and wondering if I had had brain inflammation as part of my lupus effects.  I shut out friends that I care about, I was quick to anger, and I made impulsive choices that now and a few years ago would have seemed completely out of character.

So today I am feeling pain at pain I inflicted in others and a desire for restitution.  Oh, how I want to be better, and I hope those who know me will find mercy in their hearts to forgive me over time.  If you are one that I hurt I am so sorry.

I'm also scared since I don't know how the disease will develop, what treatments will do, etc., but I do know that I LOVE other people, I desire connections with them, and I want them to be happy.  I will try to continue to remember this.  And if you catch me out in the hall with my pants down yelling obscenities, please borrow a moment's grace and know that deep down I love you and deep down I want a happy life for all of us.  This is the wish of my heart