The Meditation of Pain

Lupus brought me to my knees today.   Okay,  not actually my knees--my bed.  It hurts to move.

Yesterday wasn't great.   Today just hurts.

I shed some tears just now thinking of the contrast with the season this year and last year.  Much of last Christmas break was spent with rotating kids and me roller skating.  So much swooshing air as I sped.  Smiles as my muscles grew and glowing pictures to post my good times.

I glowed as I tried my Christmas morning guitar and felt sore from cranking out tree skirts.  I was proud of the money my sewing had made but slowly found the downsides, the discouragement,  and finally the impossibility of sewing for hire with stronger arthritis and customers who often wanted sweatshop level prices and precision (not to mention speed).

After a post holiday commitment to take a sewing break to get my arthritis to "go away" the year's development wouldn't be what I expected.

Of course physical pain was the least of my year.  There were emotional highs and lows, back and forth, in a pattern that can only be described as dizzying.

I learned about myself.   I learned my heart and my hearts needs.  And then I tried new things and failed.   Made intense friendships and lost them.  It was THAT kind of year.

But today I am in bed.  I'm in bed because of pain but facing myself by typing into my blogger app here on my phone.  My wins for today are having a formal discussion with my older kids on why I don't get out of bed sometimes and where my heart is at and what I'm trying to do (not be lazy!).  The other win is the treat drop off from church member neighbors.   Being quarantined due to compromised immune system has expanded my gratitude for the sweet gesture of them remembering us for a holiday.  God bless those dear people.

And win #3...what I'm working on is meditation.   I'm trying to dredge up all I remember from my myriad of self help reading months ago to be able to reach mindfulness from here in my pain bed.  I breathed into my pain and let my breath follow it's path.  It was exhilarating.