Draft gake

I'm hungry, I'm angry, I'm tired but I'm bored.  I want my life to have meaningful work but I just want to crawl in bed.

Basically this weekend I am going without allergy drugs in wait for my food allergy test at the end of tomorrow and I'm finding what a crappy set of symptoms my allergies have dealt.  I'm so glad I'm getting the immunotherapy shots.

I cried and ripped into my husband last night.  I woke up with a swollen throat and eyes and I've been itching all over for the past 3 days.

I'm doing a diet bet so I'm ending each day hungry (I have already been starting the day that way for a year while intermittent fasting) and so I'm not sure if its that or the allergies but I'm barely holdin' on emotionally.

That's been the theme of my summer.  It's really been so hard, but I can't articulate that well.  I have permanent hearing damage, but honestly that and the $6000 price tag of hearing aids isn't the thing that gets to me.  Feeling sick every day is.  That's what I want to change.  I want to see hope and normal emotions.  I want to get along with my husband.

I'm feeling really resentful  of the church.  I want to resign.  For noble reasons, and petty reasons both.  But I don't for fear of my family.  I go to church for my family.  I just want to be myself.  I want to dump expectations.  I also have fears of all the things I will be judged by.  When you are mormon and you leave every struggle is chalked up to your poor choice. I want people to have empathy, and I'm afraid they won't if I'm not mormon.  The funny thing is the people I am worried about having empathy don't already.  They are very fake and critical (Cari and Mom) so its not like deep down anything will change, its the just the picture of how things are and the reality I want to see.