Friday, November 23, 2012
Showing Up (adult female friends version)
So, I have been reading the momastary blog again, and as always she speaks to me. I'm not sure it was the most recent post but she spoke about showing up, and what I felt was it was about being real. Not everybody wants real, but some people need real.
I have a really tough time connecting with someone who is trying to appear a certain way or put off a certain image. One of the mistakes I made in the last couple of years was trying to win people over to the "real" side. I would smile and joke and join in positive discussion with their mylifeisperfect face hoping that with enough sharing on my part there would eventually be enough trust on their part to be real with me. Either I saw it as a challenge or I just didn't have a lot of options and wanted to rush friendships. I haven't analyzed my reasons fully, but suffice it to say "people as projects" is so not a good idea.
As a mom I think I am desperate for some female camaraderie Desperate as well as a little hopeless. It is so hard to have anything to give to a friendship after pouring myself out to 5 other people day and night. I don't know how to have friendships without givinggivinggivinggiving till this is all that is left of me. I miss the youthful innocent days where relationships were just about being. I am me. You are you. And we are together. Cool, huh? It seemed that simple. If I could find the adult version of that it'd really help. I guess the adult version of that is the workplace. Has anyone found a good way to handle this as a stay-at-home mom?
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I made a similar comment at a bookclub several years ago. I basically said that I try to make sure that I mention things in my life that aren't perfect. Not as complaining but just so no one feels like they have to pretend with me (not that I'm insane enough to believe that anyone would have those delusions about me). Some people disagreed with me saying that would make you negative and no one wants negative...
ReplyDeleteI disagree. It doesn't have to be negative. It's just real. Nothing wrong with admitting that your kitchen is a mess and you just can't bring yourself to clean it up. Or that you are scared out of your mind about having your next child, or your kid keeps getting kicked out of nursery and it is making you feel like a failure of a mother. haha. How's that for real?
I found what you are looking for in a women's running group. A bunch of neighbors met on the corner at 5:00 in the morning a couple of times per week and ran/walked a few miles. It was one of the best experiences of my life. At that hour, everyone just rolls out of bed and there are no pretenses. Messy hair, smelly breath, and then sweaty from the workout. We'd often have coffee on someone's porch after the run and before heading home to get the kids up for school. There's something about the whole thing that was magical: the working out, the lack of distractions {kids}, it was just us in our raw form. We were able to share good and bad, and deep friendships were formed. After a few years the group had college girls all the way through grandmothers, so there was always someone with more experience than you to walk with you through your trials. I have since moved to another state, and not found this yet, but since I know it happened before I am willing to believe it could happen again. For me, the emotional benefit was far greater than the physical benefit of being a part of this group. I actually wanted to get up because I never wanted to miss it. Best of luck to you!
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