Raising Mom

I read an article on self care yesterday and it reminded me of "aha moments" I experienced in the dentist's chair.  A few years ago as I sat beginning a cleaning and checkup appointment I wanted to give myself a big high five for making it there.  I had made the appointment, over the noise din that always erupted when knowledge among the toddler folk spread that my attention was directed elsewhere.  I made the appointment, and I KEPT the appointment.  I had arranged childcare that particular time, showered, dressed and made an appointment specifically for the purpose of nurturing MY body.

It didn't happen often and it still doesn't.  I'll call all over town, write notes, prepare my car, and get myself and them ready, and wait in a pharmacy line anytime a need comes up for my little babies.  In fact there've been months that seemed to be constantly filled with medical arrangements, late night pharmacy runs, looking up the nearest urgent care.  That is part of my mom job and I did it with really no thought.

Looking straight at myself is a different story.

My first few days with no kids home, I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of time looking for jobs.  It wasn't something my husband and I had really discussed and I wasn't really lacking for things that needed done around here.  I was trying to avoid the realization that there was a person with needs nearby that needed met but I was scared of that person.  A part time job and extra money seemed like a worthy reason to avoid that.  I looked at the babies and toddlers in the neighborhood and thought maybe I should offer to watch them.  Clearly I am slow to adapt to new roles!  :)  When I prayed and pondered about jobs the quiet thought I had was that perhaps I needed to mother myself.

Sometimes those quiet answers are rather painful.  Hiding, numbing, looking away are my ways of avoiding pain.  And it feels a little painful to look at how much I've neglected in my own basic care in order to breathe life into my little ones.  When I'm really alone with myself I can see it.  The self care such as medical appointments, grooming, preparing enjoyable healthful meals -- even if just for myself, might be the direction I need to be looking.  I'm gonna be here with me for the duration, so I guess now is a good time for me to start.