Sunday, June 19, 2016

PIZZA Chicken

I've been trying to eat more protein and less carbs, and coming up with this recipe has really helped (I love pizza).

As I am cooking the chicken I put together a pizza sauce of my own.  I've never liked canned marinara sauces from the store, because they usually have too much sweet and not enough spice for my liking.

Yesterday was my second time making this recipe and since I had cottage cheese in the house I threw it in to make the whole thing a little cheesier (more like LASAGNA chicken perhaps?)

I layer the sauce and cheeses (the main one here is sliceed mozzarella) and put the pepperoni on top.


16 oz tomato sauce
dried onions, garlic powder, basil, oregano and a pinch of sugar

Hey, if you have high protein/low carb meal ideas, I'm all ears!

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Lacking Consent

At age 15 I was attending lots of gatherings of church friends at their homes.  I hung out with the same kids at school.  This was somewhat because I had been warned at church about the dangers of non-mormon kids and how I might drink/smoke/do drugs if I was with them, but also because they got my unique cultural quirks so I felt accepted.  They were the only group of kids that invited me into their lives, so there is also that ;).

I can't remember whether it started at school or those parties but my male friend began standing behind me whenever we were talking to people.  He'd put his hand on my shoulder or step close enough that our bodies were touching.  It was quite imposing and often ended my conversations with boys.  Girls were likely to seem maybe a little confused but continue on with our conversation and laughs.  The fact that it made me uncomfortable and slightly scared I worked to constantly dismiss from my mind.

The touch and closing in of personal space escalated over months with this friend.  Meanwhile, my little boyfriend whom I loved broke up with me (little not referring to his size but trying to capture that time in life when a boyfriend is the kid you walk by at school before being old enough to actually date), which was tragic and heartbreaking in my little world.  I think he and his mom were together trying to make wise choices for his future but (though definitely not his fault!) it put me in a very vulnerable state.  I had no idea a creeper was a creepin' and waiting in the shadows for that break up to start the grooming.

Ok, maybe I *should* have known.  I look back and remember a lot of things, like being told he liked me from my boyfriend.  Why the hell did he have the guts to break guy code like that?  I reassured my boyfriend I would NEVER go out with him.  Because I honestly wasn't interested.

But for all of my looking back and analyzing I can tell myself that No, predicting being victimized was not my job.  He made his choices.  And he and only he can live with that.  I wanted to sit down today to tease this apart in my mind.  I want to know if there actually was things I could have been taught about and understand to change how many years I lost of my own ability to make choices for my body.

I now don't think it is normal for someone to become your boyfriend through physical intimidation.  It's not okay for a 15 year old to tell another 15 year old that they are in charge of them.  There are so many things I beat myself up for while remembering that relationship, and the biggest one is not fighting back more about how it started.  We were friends for years first, and I could never insult a friend. I felt like my job was to make him feel comfortable.  And I think maybe no 12 year old self, its not.  I used so much self control trying to be nice at all costs mostly because of how I wanted to be viewed at church.  I was obsessed with what church people thought and that goes mostly back to the first paragraph about them being the tribe I felt accepted at.

The confidence that comes at around 40 vs 15 is what finally took me to a place where I've been able to speak my mind a little, put down strong boudaries, and accept unacceptance from church people. It's really helped me now but would have helped me immensely then.  I think the fears the adults passed on then about the non mormon teenagers applied just as well to them as a whole in creating peer pressure and the choices that might be bad for an individual within those peer groups.  We humans are not that different, none of us.  We tend to try to control others to fight our own fears and that looks the same whether in fresh dresses in a chapel or around a bonfire with some beer.

I hope my daughters learn that before almost-40.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Dark Chocolate Brownies


My daughter developed a brownie recipe last weekend she called "Mother's Day Brownies."  They were fabulous, and I decided to make a few changes according to what she thought didn't work, for our family to enjoy in the future.  To be sure, they will be called mother's day brownies in our house forever more (we love silly traditions like that) but for sharing sake, I titled the recipe descriptively.

Dark Chocolate Brownies

1 C vegetable oil
4 eggs
1 1/3 C sugar
1/2 C cocoa
2 t vanilla
2 C flour (for gluten free I used a mix of coconut flour and a gf flour blend)
1 C dark chocolate chips, melted

Beat oil and sugar for 5 minutes and then add the eggs and keep beating.  Add the vanilla, flour and melted chocolate and mix until all is incorporated.  Pour into a greased  9 x 13 pan and bake for 30 minutes.


Monday, May 2, 2016

2016 Bathroom Inspiration

Since we are nearing the finish line on 3 big bathroom remodels, I've been thinking (and working and sweating) all things tile and porcelain.  What has been interesting doing remodels over a span of 4 years is watching styles change, emerge, and stay the same. 

The color gray has been big on walls the whole time but seems to really have made its way into the bathroom fixtures.  With that advent, gold fixtures are making their way back too.  As you'll see in 3 of these examples, it looks fabulous with shades of gray.

We used a little gray ourselves in our cabinets and back-splash tile, but offset with lots of dark wood.  I love my brown and fit it in wherever possible :).

Buckinghamshire Full House Refurbishment
Cool Gray
Prestwick Lane
2012 Street of Dreams
Powder Room Renewal -
Walk-in Shower Room

Prospect Heights Townhouse
Bathroom basement
Eclectic Bathroom
Georgian Dream

If you have an upcoming remodel what trends are you hoping to capture?

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

BYU Honor Code and Rape

I have words that need to come out and when that happens this is where it happens.  I inhale words through book and exhale writing.  Read if you choose :).

I have written before about this part of my past but thanks to a brave girl currently in a similar situation people are taking notice.  I want to add my voice as a witness to hers and any other victim who may have felt alone in this challenge.

As an 18 year old I was led into a "confession" for an incident in which I was victimized.  According to the legal definition I was raped and when the young man confessed as part of his mormon mission, he named me as a participant.  He was in another state but phone calls were made between male leaders (all my friend's dads I'd grown up with for what its worth) and I was called to speak with a man who was my bishop at BYU-Idaho.  I had never met him and he started the meeting telling me he already knew about it and asked that I "confess."  I had never believed I was guilty of that incident and I told him as much.  I had said No three times and so I told this man that.

First of all can I say how humiliating it is to be an 18 year old dressed up in your Sunday best, go past all your church peers into an office behind a closed door with a 40 something man who has been told through a string of three other people about ways your body was assaulted?

His response to my unwillingness to take responsibility for this act was to tell me that I would spend the upcoming year pondering what I did to cause this.  He said, "This WILL happen again in the future, so you need to make a plan for how you'll prevent it next time."  After that meeting he drafted up a letter I was to carry with me outlining that I couldn't pray in public, at a church meeting, I couldn't take the sacrament, and couldn't teach or hold callings.  I was to present the letter to the bishop of any ward I was in (I went home for the summer, could potentially move apartments, etc.) so that they would not unwittingly involve me in their worship, not knowing of my unworthiness.

One thing that stung the most is when he reminded me we had just taken a ward temple trip the week before (which I had enjoyed) and he was so disappointed that I had entered the temple in that state and defiled it.  I defiled their temple, the beautiful sacred place, for having something happen to me.  I couldn't make sense of that at all, but I believed as I was taught that his authority was god given so I must have been guilty and in denial.  He also said that according to the "Honor Code" of the school I could be sent home and lose all of my credits, but that he was going to let me stay.

He did me that favor so I spent my shamed embarrassed time at church in Idaho trying to figure out where I went wrong, what touch felt good, how I could somehow stop myself from that sensation so I would never be touched in the future.  I tried to figure out if I could change the way I dress to make me less deserving of force in the future.  I really couldn't figure anything out, because as a hypervigilant young woman I was already dressing the standards for endowed members (knee length skirts, nothing sleevless, etc).  The bishop kept telling me how the holy spirit was not with me and that I would know I was forgiven when it would come back.  I never understood because I still felt it.  I never felt like God was disappointed with me.  I continued to feel his love.  I decided that must mean I didn't understand the spirit correctly.

I have never felt the same level of feeling of God's love since my punishment ended.  I was told I was forgiven by another 40something man.   I thought I'd feel relief.  Instead I felt confusion and an immediate desire to abandon that experience forever.

Surprisingly enough, that didn't happen again.  The boys I dated later did not rape me.  I thought my future husband had massive self control because I told him I was waiting for marriage and he was too.  No problemo.  So I wanted to add that side note that even though that bishop prophesied a second attack, it did not happen because of other people's choices, not some special idea I thought of.  It really created a mental connection in my mind that I was somehow destined as a victim, for reasons I would never figure out.  I really hate that he taught me that.

I was able to successfully repress for a good 20 years.  And then at the onset of some stressful events and illness anxiety and panic attacks took over my life until I started to address these things one by one.  I only started to make the connection when I had successfully stopped having panic attacks everywhere but church.  I went to tell my bishop about this struggle, because I was afraid the attacks would be a problem as I taught children.  I brought up this episode from my past, as flashbacks were triggering some of it and his response was that I must have not properly repented (ie. I was STILL guilty for my assault and now at fault for giving myself panic attacks).

That was a few years ago and so much healing has taken place.  Panic doesn't rule my life, I have a lot more peace and joy.  But.  I'm still going to be honest about these things and share with whoever will listen.  Because the only way it will stop or get fixed is if people know.  All my successful repression for decades helped no one and kept me from the peace I enjoy today.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...