Friday, November 16, 2018

Hot Cocoa (big batch)

Note:  The kids told me they prefer our older recipe.  Click HERE if you'd like that one.

11 C dry milk
2 lb can of Nestle Nesquik
11 oz powdered coffee creamer
1 C powdered sugar
1/4 C baking cocoa
Small box instant chocolate pudding

Store in an airtight container.

Mix 1/3 C mix with hot water and enjoy.<3 p="">

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Fudgy Brownies RECIPE (oat flour)

Fudgy Brownies

1/2 C butter (1 cube)
1/3 C cocoa
1/3 C sugar
1 egg
pinch of salt
1/2 t vanilla
1/2 t baking powder
1/3 C oat flour (I make by putting old fashioned oats in the blender for a few minutes)

Melt butter and mix the rest together.  Bake in a greased, small pan.  Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.

Saturday, November 3, 2018


Dear Kids-

Here's why I keep a journal.

Because I found the name of my bishop/punisher that set my PTSD in motion, and knowing his name helped me to target my pain rather than spread it around the people I love in hopes of emotional protection.

I wrote a poem about my healing--the healing that came from your father's basic every day love.  Then when there was a call for poems for a book I could type and submit it and feel that creative satisfaction as I sent my heart out into the world.

Because I was reminded to by a PPD counselor after having my third baby.  I had never done it for healing, only out of duty.  When I turned to it in pain it was like the steady non-judgemental friend that I needed.

Because I could list my dreams, so that sitting in meditation my heart and mind could weigh the truth and feeling of those dreams to plan my next step (or letting go).

Because I read the words, the painfully personal words of pioneer women as they followed their man or their church into the unknown and I like to know what they felt, feared, and turned to for comfort.  Those ladies are like me, and they are like you when you navigate your adult life.  They are my dearest friends.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Bobi's White Bread recipe

My youngest son tonight said he can't imagine living his life without this bread, so I guess it's my duty to spread the word :).  Or at least save the recipe here for myself.

White Bread

2 1/2 C white flour
1/3 C vital wheat gluten
4 t yeast
2 1/2 C hot water

Mix these in a mixer until combined and then let rise for 10 minutes in the mixing bowl.  I cover it with a cloth.  This is the "sponge."

Then add to this:

1/3 C oil
1/3 C honey
2 t salt
4 t lemon juice

Start mixing and add 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 C more flour until it makes a soft dough.  Then keep the mixer going to knead this dough for 10 minutes.  My mixer is a little wimpy, and has lost two pieces of hardware trying to get to that point, so get as close as you can.

Separate the dough into two greased loaf pans.  Set the oven for 350 and let it heat 1-2 minutes.  Then shut the oven off and put the loaves in for a warm rise (30 minutes).  When that time is up just leave them there, turn the oven back on to 350 and set the timer for 30 minutes and this will be the baking.  When the time is
up they are done!

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Wynonna and God

In my dream last night I was attending a work meeting and hurrying out the front of the hotel it was at.  As I went past the lobby there was a big group of tables set up with table cloths and decorations.  A hurried and desperate sounded young man ran up to me and said, "For 93.97 you can meet Wynonna Judd!!"  He was so excited and trying so hard to do his sell.  I didn't answer him right away, I just started looking around the room.  Truth is, I was never an over-the-top fan of her music.  I liked some of it, and I just knew she was famous.  I found it interesting she was doing a meet and greet in our tiny little town.

As I scanned the room my eyes finally settled on her behind the back table.  I made eye contact and waved and smiled real big.  She smiled and waved back and I felt like we had a moment.  No more words were said with the eager young sales guy, and I woke up.

As I was considering the dream I realized that this is what my brain was using to make sense of god.  That young man was so eager and earnest.  He felt like he was selling a great opportunity -- and he even went down a few bucks from $100 to make it seem like a deal ;).  This is religion to me and members' desires to convert other people. 

For free I could look over at her and and smile and wave.  That felt like a true connection to me and was all I needed.  There was nothing that $90+ could pay for that I didn't already have.  For other people who were bigger fans or knew more of the ins and outs of her life, maybe money paid to ask some in depth questions would be useful for them.  It was not for me.

When bishops at Ricks spent weekly meetings trying to convince me that I was no longer connected to god and couldn't feel him (even though I did) it really messed up my developing brain.  I feel like these years in my 40s I'm trying to untangle the web that he/they created.  Spirituality is simple.  No guy in some wood lined office and 80's suit had the magic answers to MY spirit and the love I felt from god.  He kept trying to convince me I needed those weekly meetings so he could teach me how I had caused my assault and how only I could prevent another one.  I literally did not understand for 20 years after that that sometimes things happen out of our control, and that chance really is part of crime and just every day living.

The earnestness of the sales guy in the dream felt really meaningful too.  It helps me see my coreligionists with some grace.  They are sincere and they really think they will help you by trying to sell you their groups' or family's or town's special experience.  I've been proselytized to more than any already religious person would expect to.  I feel it hurtfully when it happens, but they are just misguided and earnest, and maybe just feeling personally that the need to earn the points, like him.

It was freeing to have that dream.  I'm glad I did.  Thanks Ms. Judd :).

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Whole Wheat bread recipe

First mix:

2 C whole wheat flour (I like Wheat Montana)
4 t yeast
1/3 C vital wheat gluten
2 1/2 C hot water

Then let sit for 10 minutes to rise (sponge)


1/3 oil
1/3 honey
1 t salt
4 t lemon juice

Once this is beat in, add an additional 2 whole wheat flour.  Knead with your mixer for 10 minutes or more.  Mine's motor starting getting hot so I stopped around the 10  minute point.  Then shape into 2 loaves and put into greased and parchment paper lined bread pans.  Rise in a warm oven for 30 minutes, turn the oven on to 350 and let them back for 30 more.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Chocolate Chip Cookies with Oat Flour

1/2 C plus 2 T butter
1/2 C brown sugar
1/2 C white sugar
1 eggs
1 t vanilla
3/4 t baking soda
3/4 t salt
2 1/2 C oat flour
1 1/2 C chocolate chips

Refrigerate dough 2 hours.  Then shape into cookies.  I make double chocolate cookies by swapping 1/3 C of cocoa for some of the flour.

((To make oat flour I simply pour old fashioned oats into my Vitamix blender for a few minutes))

Bake at 350 for 10 min

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Getting Outside RV life

What I love about us buying an RV
is that it changed the way
we play in the everyday

We get out with our kids
and consider it essential

If we live 45 minutes from a lake
then we MUST GO
Because its the rule when you travel
to feel the mountains
and streams in your soul.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

I Was Mistaken

This writing is brought to you by these writing prompts, I posted about.

I realized I was mistaken when my I got out of the car at the lot for our house.  We were checking to see if any more work had been done in our 6 month wait.  It was literally just a hole in the ground but the lady across the street was quick to walk out to warn me of something.

She had been involved in a street-wide lawsuit against the developer of that neighborhood.  The land was no good.  The houses were all sinking, and basements had "fallen off" of houses.  I took her words in as a form of memorization to follow up with phone calls to basement repair companies she mentioned and to pass this info on to my husband still seated in the driver's side.

Damn.  I was so wrong for so long.  So wrong to be friends for years with the folks who it felt like were silently trying to "trick" us into building there too.  Our presence in that mess gave them a "credit" into a down payment grant program.  Basically our mortgage existing granted them 20-30K.

In the weeks that passed us cancelling that contract my stomach felt like it was falling out.  Which was the worst part?  Losing our house we had spent months designing?  Losing my best friend I shared motherhood and dreams with (including those damn houses...).

In short it was a lot of suffering.  It spanned years.  It prompted a spiritual death, and complete rewiring of emotions and beliefs.  So yeah, I was mistaken.  The fallout was so much bigger than I would have dreamed.  I still look back at how shocking that all was and probably still would not choose it even for the lessons learned and better paths life took us.

I saw a picture of a backyard in that state a few days ago on facebook.  An unrelated (to this mess) friend showed her 4 children, same genders as mine, playing under the trees naturally found there--identical to the back of the lot we had picked that eight years ago.  It's been that long, but I immediately felt that picture in my gut and heaved with tears for the lost hopes and dreams of us and our children.