If you are found out, they threaten you with repentance. They say it is love but make no mistake the man at the other side of the table has a sneer in his lips at the vocalizing of your sexual experiences. The sneer extends to your comments about saying No and his replies about being humble.
20 years later you get your life saved from ending it all, and the Dr proclaims your OCD and PTSD. Eventually you know the root as the panic attacks are upended by medication in every place but church.
Then you talk to your current bishop for understanding when leaving during panic attacks and he asks if you REALLY repented. After you used the word rape. And you feel the life ending spiral sink you down to your toes in hopelessness.
And you find a group of friends on the internet. They share their sorrows. And you trust. And you share yours. And three of the male friends start private messaging their sympathy. And you feel heard. And then they start mentioning their underwear. And you are thankful to finally have the insight when you are being groomed. You are learning!
It's hard to be a survivor here.
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