telling THAT story

With the feeling that I have a book inside me I keep debating how I should tell THAT story.  When I write about it mostly I see the physical image of the dated stained wood paneling in that professor office the bishops used on Sundays.  I wrote a poem of that image comparing, but mostly contrasting it with the rough unfinished wood of the table Casey made me.

I shiver when I think of that place.  What is so fearsome about it is the way he made me turn against what I felt from god (unconditional love).  What cemented that place in my psyche is that my credits, my grades, and my comfort in the school that had been my goal for years were threatened.  He threatened to get me kicked out of school because I was not sorry for my sexual assault.

I guess I am a bratty girl, claiming no part.  Maybe it was the times in which I was raised which made me know to say NO, to say it three times, and to not hold myself physically accountable after that.  Now...though, now none of it makes sense.  Even if it hadn't been an assault, even if I had chosen to push the limits making out with my boyfriend, how is that cancelling a whole year of higher education achievements worthy?

I feel like that mental brain switching was an assault of its own.  Because of him I never spoke of it.  I was supposed to pretend it never happened as some kind of condition of my repentance.  Well, Brother Young, when "forgiving" me, or telling me to throw the letter away made it sound like I should consider it never happening.  That would have been right if that could have made it go away.  If that could have healed the pain. 

But I feel like now I had SO much to process at that time.  And ignoring it for 20 years compounded my physical and mental reactions from the suppressed anguish.   God, I am glad I have been treated for these 5 years and that I live in a time with the professionals that can make that happen.  But I know I have been reminded of this pain point to help fix it in the system and I am praying for understanding of how I can do that.