Sexuality and Sub-conscious

I repeated yesterday's exercise and asked my subconscious to show me what I needed to know as I was falling asleep.  When I awoke this morning to an alarm (what? we now have 9am church) I thought, okay, what was I just thinking?  So that I could remember the dream I was actually having when waking up stopped it.

I was at an orthodontist's office with my kids.  Well, I went with my kids.  And I came in the door and realized they were still outside giving someone something on their way in.  I knew they were okay, and I knew they were going to be joining me soon.

There was a new check-in system by computer.  There was a huge line, because it was a new system that people had to learn.  As I was standing in line I noticed they were talking to the people in line to check in with a live person, that they had to have a document-able disability or be really old to not have to check in by computer in the long, long line.

As I stood there in the line, one of the orthodontists came up to me and looked straight at my waist and hips before trying to flirt with me.  He asked about the treat plate the kids had brought that they wanted the receptionists to distribute.  They were valentine themed because that was the next holiday so he asked if I meant one of the lovey phrases on a heart printed on the plate just for him.

I did my usual very controlled, very lifetime rehearsed dance around it trying to be a good patient, and respectful so I didn't hurt my chances at good dental care for my kids.  I didn't outright reject him, but I was also dancing around what my husband would think if I acted too nice.  It's so much pressure when you speak it or write it down but it felt like what I was used to in every day life as a woman.

In the shower as I went through what my dream was when I awoke so that I could remember it, I immediately thought about my weight and how resistant it is to releasing any of it.  I have been much lower weights in the past, but even if I  barely eat my body doesn't budge.  I was hit with a very deep subconscious learning about how my body is protecting me.  My hips, my waist, the parts that look "fat" now are resistant to being  a healthy weight because for a woman thinner middles mean an up in the intensity of sexual aggression toward us.

No, I haven't had a man try to assault me since I've been married but anytime I've been a healthy weight (including visibly pregnant) I have had to endure in my very rehearsed and fearful and measured way cat calls from cars, "God damn!" as I walked into a bakery, or even those so bold as to propose relationships.  I hide this from my subconscious probably because it is painful when its up at the surface.  It's scary to feel a life of being the prey within your own social groups.  The people who you are supposed to gather with also want to attack you if the circumstances are right.

I think emotionally I just want to be a matronly mom.  I always wanted to be a mom.  I want to nurture my kids, I want to focus on my art of sewing and designing and I want to be beautiful.  I want to soak up the beauty of life and see beautiful places, but the fear that keeps me homebound is of the predators milling about in my everyday life.  My body and my mind keep me safe and keep me small because they don't feel I'm safe out and about in the world.

To be fair, they are right.

But if I ever want to live a bolder existence, like traveling or working closely with others in a profession I have to find a new way to be safe.